Understanding Creepiness

Creepers. The word alone fills the mind with vivid images – both of Minecraft bad guys and of dudes waiting along running paths to harass and stalk young women. Bring up the topic of creepers and you’ll get dozens of women sharing stories of having been creeped on – enough to make you realize that almost every woman has such a story. On the other hand, responses from guys tend to get divided into two groups: guys who see “creep-shaming” as the ultimate insult from women and guys who are paralyzed by the possibility of creeping someone out.

Of course, when women suggest that guys maybe not, say, try to hit on someone wearing headphones or hit on people while on the job, guys from both camps throw up their hands and yell “FINE! I GUESS I WON’T APPROACH ANYONE, EVER.”

Except that’s not the point. Feminist Killjoys aren’t trying to box you in until men just shuffle along, eyes cast down lest the Male Gaze descend upon someone, they’re asking for something very simple.

They’re asking you to listen and understand what they’re saying. So instead of knee-jerk accusations that “it’s not creepy if you’re hot“, or protesting that you’re too scared to ever approach someone, let’s talk a little bit about what creepiness actually means.

Schrodinger’s Rapist (OR: The Background Radiation of Women’s Lives)

Let’s start with a basic understanding about creepiness and why so many women come off as sensitive, cold or standoffish. It’s very simple: it’s the result of the calculus they have to do every day, with every man they meet. Is this someone who’s potentially dangerous? 

This isn’t an exaggeration; it’s a question every woman has to ask herself at some level with people she doesn’t know intimately well. To give an example: Twitter user Lily Evans¹ shared a long thread about one such experience she had while walking her dog.

While this was innocuous enough on the surface, it didn’t take very long before this stranger started to set off Evans’ Spidey-sense:

This was enough to make Evans uncomfortable. To most men, this is a relatively innocent question, looking for shared commonalities. To many women, however, this could be innocent…or it could be the start of someone fishing for information to locate her later. While it’s ultimately ambiguous, it was enough for Evans to feel that the best choice was to make her excuses and leave.

Now again: the stranger could just have had the most innocent of intentions. However, when seen from Evan’s perspective, things get considerably more sinister:

So in the span of a few minutes, a relatively decent interaction of someone meeting a cute doggy has turned into a large man following her, fishing for information on her that could potentially let him find her later and then his grabbing her against her will. And while he was “just” giving her a hug, he was demonstrating that he didn’t care about waiting for her consent. He just took what he wanted – in a way that could potentially have seriously injured Evans should he have chosen.

When women share their stories – or when people like me talk about creepiness – many men complain. It’s not “fair” for women to make judgements of men they don’t know. It’s sexist to tar men with the “potential rapist” brush. Most murder victims are men, so clearly men have more to worry about. But these protests miss the point.

This is the reason why women are sensitive to people who give off creepy vibes; there’s simply no way to know who’s safe and who isn’t. And the consequences of being wrong – of giving the wrong person the benefit of the doubt – are very, very high.

Creepiness is Not About Looks, It’s About Behavior

Of course, one of the eternal rebuttals to women’s stories about creepers and harassers is the classic “you wouldn’t say that if it were Brad Pitt.” And, well…

This is an argument that gets trotted out over and over again – along with the Tom Brady sexual harassment sketch on SNL – as though it were holy writ. Sure, Louie CK and Charlie Rose were creepers, but c’mon, it’s not like they looked like Chris Hemsworth. And while this ignores the classically attractive men like Ed Westwick and Jeremy Piven who have been accused of assault and misconduct, it also ignores the real issue: consent.

Let’s look at it from another angle. The same men who are wont to say “it’s not creepy if they’re hot” are going to be very uncomfortable if Ryan Gosling started insisting that they rub his shoulders. And it’s not a stretch to say that they would be very upset if, during a business meeting, Tom Cruise demanded that they jerk off in front of him. If every time they saw Brad Pitt, they knew it was a countdown until he began to rub his crotch at them, they would start trying to avoid the Hollywood megastar at every opportunity.

But hey: Ryan Gosling’s hot, dude. You should feel grateful he wants you. It ain’t harassment if he wants to see you jerk it.

Of course, those same people will protest that it’s not the same; they’re not gay, so of course they don’t want to be sexually involved with Gosling,  Pitt, et. al.  While they may be cool with someone they want to fuck being aggressive with them, Theoretical Gay Gosling ain’t that. And the fact that he’s forcing the issue – over and over again – can be deeply upsetting.

Which, of course, is the entire fucking point. It’s not about who’s hot and who’s not, it’s about the fact that someone you’re not into – regardless of what they look like – is being sexual with you. It’s the transgression of boundaries, the feeling that this person is going to ignore your lack of consent that makes somebody creepy. They, through their actions, are making you feel unsafe.

Which is what so very many women deal with on a daily basis; behaviors that, while potentially inoffensive, put them on their guard. And while these behaviors may be things that men would never in a million years see as threatening, they are ones that women are highly attuned to and watch for.

Is it possible that some women are, in fact, overly sensitive? Sure… in a world of billions, there’s always the chance that somebody is going to have Spidey-sense that’s prone to going off more frequently than is strictly necessary. However, you don’t know why they’re more highly-attuned to potential problems. It may be an idiosyncrasy, or it could be the result of past experiences.

People get to set their boundaries and comfort levels where they choose – even if it may not make sense to an outside observer.

Retreat Isn’t The Answer To Creepiness Either

Let’s go back to the knee-jerk response I mentioned earlier: the “I guess I’ll never approach anyone, ever.”

This isn’t an answer either… not really. It’s an abdication of responsibility.

The supposed point of this “I’ll just avoid women and never be creepy” is the frustration at being told what they are or aren’t “allowed” to do around women. On the one hand, you have the people who take it as resignation; they’ll never be able to not be creepy, so they’ll just isolate themselves. On the other, you have the people who feel that their freedoms are being infringed upon.

But in both cases, the end result is that they’ll just take their ball and go home. Not “OK, I’ll work on myself and do better,” or “Ok, I’ll be more considerate of others’ comfort”, just “fuck it, I quit.” In a very real way, it’s a refusal to address the issue at all. If they can’t benefit from the situation as it is, they’ll just abandon it.

Straight talk: no matter what random Twitter and Tumblr accounts may say, nobody is seriously advocating that men never talk to women, ever. Nobody is demanding a completely sexless society or wanting to criminalize flirting – right-wing pearl-clutching notwithstanding. What women are asking for is simply empathy. They’re asking for understanding.

What women are asking is to recognize how society has created a culture of entitlement that hurts men and women.

We all grow up steeped in lessons about how consent doesn’t matter, and that being told no really means “try harder”. We’ve all grown up in a culture that teaches women to always be considerate of men, even to their own detriment.

And just as critically, this is a culture that judges and punishes men who don’t perform a very specific style of masculinity that explicitly demands this sort of behavior from them.

So what is the answer?

Combat Creepiness With Awareness

Here’s the thing: not being creepy is not that hard. Avoiding being a creeper doesn’t mean becoming a sexless eunuch. It doesn’t mean so hypersensitive that you’re literally “too woke to fuck”. It’s just simple empathy and social calibration. Being considerate of the comfort and consent of others isn’t that high a bar to clear. It just means paying attention and thinking about your actions and the social context.

For example, when I suggest that people who want to do cold approaches focus on social spaces, it’s not because I’m trying to limit people’s options. It’s because this helps establish reasonable expectations and practices. People in explicitly social spaces like clubs, bars, parties, etc. are there to be social². Approaching someone and starting a conversation is expected. People who are, say, walking their dog, might be open for talking with a stranger… but the odds are against it. Someone who’s walking down the street just wants to get where they’re going. People demanding that she stop and talk to them just becomes an irritation at best. The ones who won’t take silence for an answer cross from “irritation” to “potential problem”.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to anyone, ever. But it does mean that you should start from the place of “is this a time when someone is open to being approached?” Similarly, you want to be aware of the perspective of others. You may know that you’re completely harmless. You may be the epitome of the 98-lb weakling. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be a threat to someone or that they won’t feel threatened by you. Don’t take it personally, if they do. It literally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fucked up situation that women have to navigate.

At the same time, though, this doesn’t mean that you should shut yourself off from the world, lest you make people uncomfortable. Nor does it mean you should over-compensate and be so hyper-sensitive to other people’s responses that you read “creeped out” into every twitch of the mouth.

Just consider the perspective of others and recognize what you might intend. The things that may not bother you may represent a potential problem for someone else. Asking a stranger where she lives is going to put her guard up. Continuing to press for information is going to set off every red alert she has.

Now it’s entirely possible that you can brush up against somebody’s boundaries by accident. It happens; even the smoothest operator is creepy by accident on occasion. But here’s the thing: you can recover from that. We all have moments where we said something awful by accident. Everyone’s shoved their foot in their mouth before. Women recognize this and understand this.

Setting off someone’s Spidey-sense just makes them more aware. If you show that it was just a mistake, they’ll recognize it for the false alarm that it was.

So if you fuck up and cross a line, then apologize. “Hey, I think that may have come out wrong, I’m sorry.” “Hey, am I making you uncomfortable? I’m sorry if I am, I didn’t realize.” Short, simple and to the point. And then let it go. Just be careful and don’t make the same mistake again. This may mean taking a literal step back. It may mean being a little more careful with how you phrase things. That’s ok. Being more aware of how others may take something you say means you’re far less likely to be creepy by accident.

And one more thing…

Be The Safe Guy

Part of the reason many people push back against the creeper label is that they see it as an unnecessary restriction on their ability to flirt. After all, if you can’t be a little risqué or daring, is it even flirting at all? But one of the things I’m always trying to teach men is that being the safe guy isn’t the same as being the sexless guy. In fact, being the safe guy makes you sexier. 

As Evans says in her tweet thread: not knowing which guys may be the one who’ll ignore a “no” or who’ll follow them home is exhausting. Being a guy who women can trust – not think they can, know they can – makes you an oasis of calm in a raging storm. As I’ve said elsewhere: no woman can feel sexy if she doesn’t feel safe. There are just too many risks involved, and the price of being wrong is high.

Sometimes that means letting moments pass. You may want to get to know that cutie, but pushing would only start to make her defensive. You’d love to get that woman’s number, but she seems reluctant; better to let things go than to cross a line by pressing your case. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give enough space to let them come to you when they’re ready.

A guy who’s aware of her comfort levels and makes sure she can feel relaxed in his presence? That’s going to be golden, even if he’s a little awkward at times. A guy who doesn’t push at her boundaries and doesn’t ignore her discomfort is going to be a treasure, even if he’s not the smoothest of the smooth.

The guy that women feel they can say “no” to? That guy is a prize beyond imagining.

And this starts with simply listening and understanding.

Creepers are out there. But by having empathy, understanding and self-awareness? You can make sure you’re not one of them.

1. note: the thread is safe, but her Twitter account is NSFW
2. Yes, exceptions will exist. It’s still a good rule of thumb

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