Post Mortem: Why Do Women Have All The Advantages In Dating?

As my long-term readers know, I get a lot of letters from readers for my weekly Q&A “Ask Dr. NerdLove” both here and over at Kotaku. But, occasionally, I’ll get a letter from a reader that requires a deeper and more thorough dive than the usual request for advice. Sometimes the answer is more nuanced than normal or requires cutting through a Gordian knot of related issues. These are the Post-Mortems, where we dissect a letter and dig through the remains in order to get to the heart of the issue.

Post-mortems are rarely pretty. Many times, we’re having to liberally apply the Chair Leg of Truth to a lifetime of beliefs. But, while the love may be tough, at the end we’re going to know exactly what went wrong and how we can do better next time. So scrub up and snap on the gloves; it’s time to get all up in them guts.

Doctor NerdLove,

I need your advice to get me out of a very negative mindset.

So, I’m going to break in here right at the start: this is a good thing to recognize in yourself. Realizing that you’re holding on to negative, self-limiting beliefs is an important step in overcoming them. The problem, however, is that sometimes you don’t realize that you’re focusing on the wrong ones. But hey, that’s why I’m here.

I am a 27 year old man. Physically attractive, tall and fit, non smoker, social drinker, intelligent (masters qualified), undertaking a career that corresponds with my education level, and cultured, with a strong interest in many of the arts, along with active competition in sport (i’m a cyclist) to a high amateur level.

I am also a sociable person, not autistic (to my knowledge) and am well liked by friends of both genders.

Quick tip: listing not being autistic as a plus is really not going to help or win you many friends. People all over the autism spectrum have relationships which run the gamut, from friends-with-benefits arrangements to long and happy marriages.

Despite all of this, I have only ever had one 5-month relationship when I was 16. And despite spending the last 11 years trying to find a girlfriend, I haven’t had a single one, and – to add insult to injury – I’m still a virgin! At 27.

Now, 4 years ago I started using online dating. I’ve found it very very difficult to get dates at a regular frequency, so in that time I’ve been on only 20 dates. Of those, I felt the vast majority went well – I do have social skills after all – and I expressed interest in a second date for 17 or 18 of the women…

Right, here’s the first thing that leaps out at me: out of 20 dates, you’ve wanted to have a second date with 90% of them. That… is a really high number. And while it’s certainly possible that you’re so discerning that you’ve only ever gone out with people who were exactly what you’re looking for… this feels like a Someone Anyone Everyone issue.

One of the issues with online dating is that it’s impossible to successfully gauge compatibility without meeting in person. You can line up amazingly well on paper. You can have great, flirty conversations via text and instant messages or even Snapchat. But attraction and compatibility are physical components, too, and they are impossible to determine until you meet in person. There are a multitude of signals and signs that dictate who we are and aren’t attracted to – many of which we aren’t consciously aware of. When we see people in person, we process those signs and signals so quickly that we don’t realize that we’ve gone through a checklist. We just know “Yes, I’m attracted to that person” or “No, I’m not”.

This is why there are a lot of false positives in online dating. You may get along great from the other side of a monitor, but once you’re sitting in front of one another… well… now you’re just struggling to get through the date in the first place.

Which is why I suspect that part of the problem you’re having here is that you have a hole marked “Girlfriend” that you’re trying to fill and are less concerned about who fills it. When you want to have a second date with literally every woman you’ve been on a date with, I’m left thinking that you’ve set the bar for a second date so low that you could trip over it.

Also, which is it? 17 or 18 women?

…but all of them have rejected me with words along the lines of “it was lovely to meet you but I’m not sure I felt enough of a connection for a second date”. Assuming they respond to me at all. All of this despite evidence that they were interested in me, flowing conversation punctuated by laughter and even occasional arm touches etc.

I hate to be the one to say it but… clearly they weren’t that interested. Otherwise you’d be getting a second date.

I have confided in my best female friend, who’s in a relationship. She can’t believe I’m still single. When I expressed the amount I get rejected, she was taken aback, and said “Women are silly – and that’s coming from a feminist”.

Before I continue, let me emphasise that I have given none of the below views, or expressed any kind of negativity, on any of my dates. They have all been positive and upbeat.

Sorry, I’m going to call bullshit on this one. I hear this a lot from people who believe that they’re the kings of compartmentalization, who believe that they have mastered the poker face and have so squeezed their negative attitude down that nobody ever sees it. And every single time, it’s not true. A literal sociopath manages to do this. An amazing actor can pull this off for a little while. But Johnny Average? Nah, my dude. Your attitude literally bleeds into everything you do, in ways that you don’t think about. It affects how you talk to people, the way you perceive the world and how you interact with it. You may not say the words “women have it so easy in dating”, but from the way you talk to the subjects you talk about, from the way you behave to the way you pursue matches… these all tell the world exactly how you feel. And people will pick up on that and they will respond to it.

But here’s the thing. I’m invisible to women.

You’re not invisible, man. I get that you feel that way, and you’re certainly not alone in that feeling. But the issue isn’t that you’re invisible here, it’s that women aren’t attracted to you. And like Binary Sunset, this is a theme that’s going to be recurring throughout your letter.

This whole Harvey Weinstein thing has, rightly, exposed a gender inequality in which women frequently feel sexually endangered. As a man, I realise my privilege in being able to confidently walk alone after a night out, and meet strangers without feeling threatened.

OK someone call Sir Mix-A-Lott because I hear a big “But” coming…

But the way I see it…

THERE IT IS!

…this inequality is a double edged sword…

There is literally nothing good that’s going to come of this.

… with a corresponding problem for men that manifests itself differently – less of the frequent and acute annoyance, danger and fear that faces women, but the following (not even an exhaustive list):

Alright my dude, you wanted to know about how to address this negative mindset. Here it comes, because this list is just… well, with a lot of these, you’re so off that you don’t even manage to be wrong. So with that in mind, let’s tear this apart.

– A chronic, never-ending state of being ignored by women in social settings;
– Being effectively invisible to every woman you see in public;

So I’m going to take these two together because either you’re repeating yourself or you’re conflating things in ways that only make sense to you. If by “being ignored by women”, you mean that women aren’t approaching you for dates, then we’ve found your first problem. What you’re describing as “being ignored” is “women going about their daily lives”, which, remarkably, doesn’t revolve around you or your boner.

If you mean “women don’t make the first move,” then you’re missing a critical factor: a lot of guys react badly to women who flaunt or invert gender roles. When women make the first move on the wrong guy, one of two things happens. One: the guy freaks out and reacts angrily or violently – it’s a trap, she’s a sex-worker looking for a client, whatever. Two: he vastly overestimates her interest; she says “Hey, my name is…” and he hears “TAKE ME IN A MANLY FASHION IN THE BATHROOM, YOU STALLION YOU”.

You may not be that guy… but she has no idea whether you are or not. And the consequences of being wrong are really goddamn high.

And this is without getting into the fact that there are loads of times when women just aren’t interested in meeting people.